Finding Balance Within Imbalance

Local events, like world events, often seem out of our control. When terrible things from around the world catch our attention, we are shocked to realize how fragile life really is and how quickly balance can be disrupted. Even in delicate areas, we develop coping mechanisms and norms that make the situation tenable; and then, unexpected events turn life upside down. At one time or another, we all experience the unexpected death of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, a sudden change in our seemingly predictable lives. But of course, as events near and far remind us, "predictable" is an illusion we can possess only in a given moment, as we never know what the next moment will bring. And when that illusion is broken by world or local events, it is difficult to find our balance, to know how to move forward, to make sense, or simply to take the next step. Our experience and observation of our lives and the lives of others lead to a simple yet tricky approach to managing through difficult times.

Allow yourself to feel sorrow for what deserves sorrow. Of course, each of us walks our own path, but eventually–after the denial and the anger–we need to find, embrace, and accept the sorrow we feel in these terrible situations. Sorrow is the profound human emotion of loss, grief, and peering into the abyss of despair. It's the acceptance that no matter how much we protect ourselves from life, we are, at our core, vulnerable and always at risk. Risk of losing what is precious to us, of the life and people we love. Feeling sorrow is the admission that we did and still do love, and we deeply feel the pain of loss and separation.

Love what deserves love. Because of the sorrow we feel during times of loss, it is critical that we take the time, accept the offer, and make the space to love and be loved. Loving and being loved by those around us creates the cradle that holds our sorrow. It helps to replenish the emptiness that loss entails. Nothing can replace what we lose, but love can fill the space and help to nourish us back. When someone we love experiences a loss, our love supports them and sustains us. When we experience loss together, our collective love and support helps us take it one day at a time. Allowing ourselves to feel sorrow and loving what deserves to be loved helps us deal with that enormous and intolerable part of life beyond our control. It is the part of living from which we can never insulate or isolate.

And then we can control what we can control. We can only do what we can do. Small acts of self-care–getting up, getting dressed, having nourishment. Perhaps we can extend our care to others in their need, near or far. We look for opportunities to have agency, impact, and matter in the face of a larger world in which we seem to matter very little. Perhaps the most traumatic effect of loss is the feeling of helplessness... or worse, the recognition that we are so helpless in so much of life. Because the truth is, we are, for the most part, helpless. We can make some minor changes and hold back tides for a moment, but we inevitably understand we are fragile. And yet, within our world, we have control, agency, and choices. And that gives our lives meaning and purpose.

In life and leadership, there will always be large and small events that are out of our control. It is hard work, but work we must do nonetheless to focus on the things we can control while still feeling the feelings we need to feel. The key is to not allow those feelings to overwhelm and immobilize us, to stop us from doing what we can. And when we find ourselves in situations that feel helpless, we need to allow ourselves to feel the sorrow and then love and be loved. Most importantly, control what we can control and do what we can do so that we lift up the people we love and lead, near and far. When we find our world out of control, we need to see ourselves by finding balance within imbalance.

With love, gratitude and wonder.

Scott